Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
