Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
