First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
