Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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