I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
