I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Everyone says I win the strip club
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
