You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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