I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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