God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
