Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
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We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
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I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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