my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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