dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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