I got chris browned last night
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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