Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
