i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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