come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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