The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
