I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
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I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
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Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
its like you know when i get waxed