I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
