its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?