Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
