Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
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The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
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My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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