we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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