I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
