I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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