you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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