By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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