A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
