So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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