I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
cat food counts as protein by the way
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
