what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
