i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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