Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
