You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
