I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I had to cum in my sink.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
