Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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