Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
as a side note pls kill me
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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