so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
