i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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