I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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