obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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