I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I would ride that face into the sunset
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
