if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
