Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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