Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
