remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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