i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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