Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
