you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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