i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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