just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
