That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We're too hungover to prance.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
