Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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