We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
