every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
